AI & The Apprentice

DENVER

So Carmelo makes his debut with Iverson tonight in Denver, that place is gonna be rockin' and rollin'. They might need a feeling-out period, but they'll still probably crush the life out of the Grizz--especially if Memphis tries to run with 'em, as is their wont under new coach Tony Barone (why a low level mafioso from a horrible screenplay is running an NBA team, I couldn't tell you).

Just for the record, I think it will work out splendidly for Denver and make them a second-tier player in the playoffs along with San Antonio, LA, and Houston (with Phoenix and Dallas the clear cream of the crop). Again, it might take some time from them to get used to each other, the way T-Mac and Ming still don't mesh perfectly on the rare occasions they're both healthy, but I think the Nuggets will find a sweet groove within a month. I'm absolutely convinced Iverson can play (and is willing to play) a PG role on a good team, especially since he'll still put up points. The way they'll push the ball up the floor, there will be plenty of shots to go around. I'm looking for them to push 110 a night, with Carmelo in the high 20s and Iverson in the low-to-mid-20s with 8-9 assists per game.

QUICKIES

Congratulations to the New Jersey Nets for putting together a solid 8-2 run and giving the Atlantic Division it's first .500 team. But then Richard Jefferson announced he'd be getting ankle surgery and would miss a good chunk of time--so keep your fingers crossed, there's still a good chance we see a division winner with a losing record.

Brandon Roy is starting to show signs he's fully recovered from that early season foot injury, and has been playing really well, averaging a cool 17/5/3 in 11 January games, shooting .453 from the floor and an excellent .406 from three. He's also averaging 1.8 steals and coughing the ball up just 1.5 turnovers a night. Very solid rookie numbers. Keep this in mind fantasy players, every year there are 2-3 rookies who've done nothing special all year and then suddenly put together a solid finish--Deron Williams and Ray Felton come to mind from last year. Roy's just getting to that finishing kick a little earlier...and running away with rookie of the year.

Speaking of rookies who could come up big in the stretch run, Randy Foye got his first start with the suspensions of Ricky Davis and KG and responded with 25 points on 9-17 shooting, including 5-6 from three. He's been productive when he's gotten minutes, and his PT has been on the rise. In January, he's averaging a solid 12/4/3 in 28 minutes per.

With all their injuries, Milwaukee is a total mess right now, but they have to be ecstatic with Andrew Bogut's play recently. I'm still not sure he can ever be a superstar--I could be wrong--but he's establishing himself as a legitimate starting center in the league, and that's the first step. In 9 games in January, he's averaging 14 & 11 with 3 assists (he's an excellent passer for a big man), OK defensive numbers, and a shooting % of .573.


THE APPRENTICE

I don't know if you watch this show--congratulations if you don't, it's truly one of the stupidest things on TV. If they ever start making good network TV again, episodes of this show should be mailed out to every producer every year with a note saying "Never Again".

But I watch it. Naturally. If it's shit, I'm watching, it's as simple as that. I'd like to pretend I watch only to make fun of the spazzes, social misfits, drooling imbeciles, and uber-type-A douchebag tools--and that's truly most of it--but I do get into the competitiveness and the strategy and all that.

So last night they have to design a bus tour in Los Angeles, one of those 'homes of the stars' kinda things that nobody who isn't from rural Ohio would ever do in a million years. One team did a pretty good job, had the Laker Girls and all that (at only $85 an hour per girl; can you get them to clean your house & mow your lawn? Or service you? That's probably extra). Although they did have this loud, obnoxious, fugly Asian guy on the microphone instead of the smart, well-spoken, extremely hot brunette chick. Hey, everybody loves the loud, obnoxious Asian guy over the hot chick! Good move! But overall, a solid effort.

But the other team was a disaster from start to finish, the kind of trainwreck that makes reality TV worth watching.

First they couldn't figure out where the tour should run, and tried to decide by driving randomly around Hollywood and Beverly Hills (some of the worst traffic in the entire city). They were probably on the road for 5 hours before they realized, hey, Hollywood's a real shithole. Of course anyone in the city could've told them that.

And yet, that's what they ended up going with! There was a priceless scene where they're talking about "lifestyles of the rich and famous" or some shit, and they're driving by alleys and street corners where in a few hours, 16-year-old meth freaks are going to be doling out handjobs to movie executives for ten bucks a crack.

I honestly have no idea what their theme was; I think it was called something like "a day in the life of a celebrity" or something, but I didn't really see anything on the tour that fell under that description. Wait--there was one moment where they were passing by some hotel, and the guy playing tour guide enthusiastically tells the tourists that that's where John Belushi shot himself up with coke and heroin and OD'ed--and then the camera pans to the horrified faces of a bunch of parents with little kids. So I guess doing speedballs does fit under the description of "a day in the life of a celebrity". I mean, it would be if I were one.

So there's this boring-ass tour through scuzzy, bum-ridden streets lined with pawn shops, check-cashing places, Ye Old Adult Book Shoppe, liquor stores, and other assorted LA glamorousness...and if that's not enough, the microphone is letting loose with a constant stream of piercing feedback. You could see the people fucking praying it would just all be over soon. I felt genuine pity for them. Of course the team was too dumb to figure out you can just, you know, shout?--until the thing was half over (and these were like 90 minute tours! Who the hell wants to drive around LA for 90 minutes just to see where Bill Pullman lives?)

Classic reality television, classic "Apprentice" formula where you include a few normal people and then outnumber them with a bunch of pyschos, misanthropes and morons with various (and multiple) severe personality disorders, and then just let the chips fall where they may. Good times.